i hate everything about christmas

i hate christmas.
in my heart of hearts, i really would like to love christmas, but i fear it is an impossible feat.
let me explain:
as a child, growing up in the same house as my grandparents, christmas was everything a kid could dream for. i had a stable home. i fealt love and happiness in my family and home felt like home. i was given gifts i had begged santa for the whole month, and then some. we did holiday things, like bake and sled. and then i grew up. our family moved, which was not a huge deal within itself. we were still a family and home still felt like home, if not more so, since the new one was sitting in the middle of 10 acres in the middle of nowhere, and looked like a holiday card of a log cabin. i was brought up fishing and hunting. i had the priveledge of having horses and actually takking care of them myself. i hiked, canoed, and built forts. i helped my pop in the garage. and then i grew up even more. my beloved mom mom died. at christmas.
i left home for college a year later. i swear this is the worst thing i could have ever done. i have always regretted that decision to this day.
i chose a career that was never going to amount to anything. it was not a good choice of school, as the school had no clue what it was doing. my major was dropped not long after i startted, but being young, this meant nothing to me because i found love, or so i had thought. things were going to be ok from here out.
WRONG
it was indentured servitude to him and his harpy mother. i could not go anywhere but work and home. i paid all the bills with my meager earnings, and if i had any more money, she found something else for me to pay. he assured me that when he got his settlement money (from an accident he had been in) he would use it to move us out and pay for me to go back to school. we drove all over the northern east coast looking for the right one. i found it and he agreed...a bit higher the the east coast in Torono, Canada. the goal was set. we bided our time.
i had gotten sick on and off. i was startting to feel like a worthless dog. i got sick and had to go to the emergencey room more then once. mind you, i was not going for a cough or cold. i was going for severe brochitus, strep throat, and dehydration from puking for over a week. no one thought to care. i drove myself. i did get yelled at for not going to work. i called my mom asking her to please come get me, i think i need a doctor appointment. i did. it was bronchitus, again.
this went on and i stayed. for 5 years. i thought that as soon as that money came in, we would be free to go. he had graduated, and the money came in a month later.
and he bought a brand new car.
he borrowed money from his grandmother to get us a mobile home. it needed a lot of work. which i did. he would go out with his friends for weekends for his "live action dungeons and dragons" type game. i would stay home and build new floors. i felt lower then whale shit. i hated what i had become.
in comes depression
he cheated on me (big suprise there) with a girl that had the nickname "doorknob" (because everyone had a turn) and his own best friend called her "yard sale pussy" wow. really appealing gal, huh?
i lost what little i had left.
i tried to kill myself, and his gramma, whom i was closer with then anyone, saved my ass by calling the ambulance. i won't go into the nitty gritty, but i will tell you i was laying in a cold bath when he walked in and told me i disgusted him, and flicked cold water in my face, made a few comments of how stupid i am and left. what a charmer
so, in the merry month of DECEMBER, i am in a nut hut. i go through all my steps (although i never thought i'd get past the first 2 days). my heart was not broken, it was ripped out of me and thrown to a pack of gators. i wish i had been an addict of some sort, then it would have all been so much easier to numb. i get out of the pit on christmas eve, and "charmer" himself picks me up in those fancey new wheels. I show him all my art work and tell him i am sorry if i made life hard for him, i am trying to be better, and i love him, he is my life.
he drops me off at the mobile park of broken dream caravans and tells me "i gotta go, i have to be somewhere"
i go inside. it's cold. i have nothing there but a space heater and my two dogs and cat waitting for me. the insulation had not been put in. it was snowing. i did not even have the desire to get up and clean up the dog shit he had left there. i did not care. i fed them, and we all curled up on the dusty futon mattress.
tomarrow was christmas
i'd be going home not long after.
i will spare the mundane motions of christmas day and "well wishes". i was rather numb and do not remember much of it anyway.
i then went home.
and it wasn't "home" anymore. it felt different. i could not go back into the old way of things. people looked at me different. i felt like a shell going throught the motions
i got a job asap, and moved out within 3 months. i could not take it. i wanted freedom. i still want it, but for different reasons now.
the following christmas i was pregnant, and the following after that was the best holiday i could ever remember. I had my little boy, and he and his daddy and i lived in a very old half of a house. the floors were dark wood, the kitchen roof leaked, we had radiator heat, and it was in an old town. i felt loved and needed. my new beau listened to me, and we talked. life was good, and my baby boy was the coolest.
now, after more trials and tribulations, i feel the same way i used to. unwanted. unloved. nothing i care about matters anymore. everyone else comes first. always. i have to take care of things. we have moved about 3 times, and no place is home. as soon as it feels settled, we move. the sad part is, it had been crooked landlord after crooked landlord. one did not tell us the house was not up to city code, and he wanted us to repair it, so we left. the next one let us pay rent and then kicked us out so he and his girlfriend could move in, and the current situation deserves a book to itself.
HOME is vastly under-rated. i NEED a home. i do not have one. i know that home is your family and such, but the other portion is the dwelling, and i am beginning to think that will never happen.
unless christmas turns around for me next year